Warning: Completely self absorbed post

As I'm sitting here contemplating on the state of affairs (literally) in my life, soft, pleasing to the ear music in the background, I find myself typing..letting thoughts flow freely. There's just been way too much that has happened over the past week for me to ingest, for my recently uneventful life to handle.

How does one know that they've moved on? Does it mean to be able to look a once loved deeply person in the eye and not feel even a momentary pang of longing? Does it mean to be able to spend time with them and not think of how intimately one has known every part of them, every gesture of theirs, every tone of their voice? Or does it mean assimilating all of this and more, making all this , all of them a part of who we become, carrying remnants of them with us for the rest of our lives?

How often does a Ross and Rachel kind of situation happen? Is it possible to just know...just because..that you're never going to be over...that whatever comes along in life is only going to be a consolation prize. There might be good times, wonderful even, but they will all have blurred edges all because they were spent not with that one person, but the next one who came along.

The last week has brought in far more questions than I even dare answer right now. On the one hand, life wasn't ideal, it was in no way even close to it, but I was at least making the effort, I was at least looking for the silver lining in everything and making the most out of it. Now, I find myself questioning if I was even all there all this time. To feel this alive, to feel so rooted in reality suddenly, all just because of a few snatched moments from a past that wasn't too long ago, from a past that I was determined to leave behind and start afresh, completely unsettles me to say the least.

Longing for the way things used to be, wanting badly for time to turn back..these are emotions, desires, wishes I understand. But this feeling of complete normalcy, this stilling of stormy waters, this feeling of being all there, being in the moment without a rush, without a desire to run away and hide is something I don't understand. I don't understand why there is no anger, why there is no tussle with the egos, why when everything else has been so explosive, this still feels so right.

To have loved someone and have moved on is something I know. I might not know how exactly one knows for sure that they have, but I do know what I have moved on from. I hope time will end up uncovering some answers for me....that is my greatest need right now. I need to know why it feels like I am hitting a wall here, when this of all the others should have been the easiest to move on from, when this of all should give me more reason than any other to run...and I find myself glued to the spot, waiting to see what life has in store....