Sanity and other worries...
I've always considered myself ,temperamentally, a very even-keeled person. Infact my mother's favourite line when in a temper used to be calling me rhino-skinned. Nothing (I thought) could unruffle me enough to give me sleepless nights(or days in my case). The world could disappear, I could be stranded, and it would still not knock the breath out of me. All of that seems to have been eroded..and it happened so gradually, over years, that the loss of tranquility however seems almost breathtakingly sudden. Where at one time, the biggest tragedy could leave me intact, now the smallest of issues lead to fretting and agonising and wringing hands in despair.
In some ways, yes, its a good thing to happen. If I don't perform well at work, it'll make me pull up my socks and get back with a vigour which more often than not leads to mindboggling improvement; or if I'm broke, it'll lead to better management of finances the next time onwards. But the small positives apart, I see my never fading optimism harder and harder to hold on to. The silver lining that I could always make out without an effort, now requires painful squinting to locate; and I wonder if this is what they call growing up.
As I realise that childhood was left behind at a turn I cannot find now, and all that's left of adoloscence are memories and the fading scent, adulthood, apart from bringing with it a sense of being, of superficial independance, also brings countless changes in the way I think, in the way I look at life. It also leads to the question of my sanity, I'm not sure such drastic changes happen to everyone.
I mean, sure, everybody changes, but the more I observe people, the more I see that everybody is not reading too much into the smile the grouchy boss suddenly decides to bestow on you one fine day. They are not thinking of sinister, hidden motives behind it. Or, maybe they are, but don't let themselves read too much into it. Or, maybe, all this was there all along, but my sheltered existence until the day I left home, just made the contrast more glaring. Or, I just work my brains too hard trying to decipher things I don't need to.
I wish there was someone I could carry on a monologue with, for hours. No inputs, no advice until I finish, and then the answer to all my troubles would be looking me in the face. But such things I guess only happen in novels, in great stories, and for mere mortals like us, battling everyday lives becomes the answer, and if it doesn't, we just mould it so it makes us feel better, so we can wake up the next day and have the strength to go on, not trudge from one day to another, but try and skip, with a smile on our faces, even if it sears our hearts.
..............................................
On a lighter note.... why does wearing a saree(if ur unmarried) have to be a huge event. I walk into office in a saree and everyone from the doorman to my boss has to stare as if their lives depend on how much their eyes can pop out. If that's not enough, they also want to know if its my birthday/or am engaged/am getting married/or its a special occassion, and I can almost hear the diappointment in their "ohh"s when I say I just felt like wearing it as if its not satisfactory enough.
In some ways, yes, its a good thing to happen. If I don't perform well at work, it'll make me pull up my socks and get back with a vigour which more often than not leads to mindboggling improvement; or if I'm broke, it'll lead to better management of finances the next time onwards. But the small positives apart, I see my never fading optimism harder and harder to hold on to. The silver lining that I could always make out without an effort, now requires painful squinting to locate; and I wonder if this is what they call growing up.
As I realise that childhood was left behind at a turn I cannot find now, and all that's left of adoloscence are memories and the fading scent, adulthood, apart from bringing with it a sense of being, of superficial independance, also brings countless changes in the way I think, in the way I look at life. It also leads to the question of my sanity, I'm not sure such drastic changes happen to everyone.
I mean, sure, everybody changes, but the more I observe people, the more I see that everybody is not reading too much into the smile the grouchy boss suddenly decides to bestow on you one fine day. They are not thinking of sinister, hidden motives behind it. Or, maybe they are, but don't let themselves read too much into it. Or, maybe, all this was there all along, but my sheltered existence until the day I left home, just made the contrast more glaring. Or, I just work my brains too hard trying to decipher things I don't need to.
I wish there was someone I could carry on a monologue with, for hours. No inputs, no advice until I finish, and then the answer to all my troubles would be looking me in the face. But such things I guess only happen in novels, in great stories, and for mere mortals like us, battling everyday lives becomes the answer, and if it doesn't, we just mould it so it makes us feel better, so we can wake up the next day and have the strength to go on, not trudge from one day to another, but try and skip, with a smile on our faces, even if it sears our hearts.
..............................................
On a lighter note.... why does wearing a saree(if ur unmarried) have to be a huge event. I walk into office in a saree and everyone from the doorman to my boss has to stare as if their lives depend on how much their eyes can pop out. If that's not enough, they also want to know if its my birthday/or am engaged/am getting married/or its a special occassion, and I can almost hear the diappointment in their "ohh"s when I say I just felt like wearing it as if its not satisfactory enough.
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