Go Ahead and Rain..

I've always been a very "black and white" person. Precisely because of that, very early on I started looking for the good in everyone. I usually tend to like or dislike people instantly, and whenever I disliked someone, I would always try hard, really hard to find the saving grace in them..to find that one thing that was good about them, that would redeem them from being bad people in my book. That of course was for a very selfish reason. I don't like knowing bad people..and I would go to great lengths to find that one good thing about someone so I can say they're not that bad...this is nice about them. Initially it was by force of will, but over time its become ingrained into the person I am..it happens without any effort, almost subconciously.

For the first time in my life I wish I hadn't done that, hadn't tried to find the good in everything, everyone. It makes getting over him awfully hard...awfully difficult. It would be so easy to be angry...to dismiss him as a bastard who didn't give a fuck.It would make my life so much easier. But no, that is not to be.

I am able to see both the good and the bad..I'd been able to love him in spite of the bad...because I had seen the good as well...and there was a lot of good..just that over time, at least in this fight of good Vs bad, the bad finally won. Finally managed to make sure the good remained only in memories. For sometime, the memory itself was enough, it was that good. The memory alone was able to carry me, carry us through....but there's a reason memories make a poor substitute for reality.

I suppose I should be happy that they weren't wasted years. I do believe I was lucky..lucky to have known love that very few people know their entire lives...lucky to have been able to give like few do. And I really am grateful for all that..am also in a way lucky that it ended before. If we had waited, the damage could have been much worse. At least ,I have myself..almost whole, at least now, the rebuilding will not be as flawed as it would have been if I had had to do it later. I'm still a kid by the world's standards, never mind the fact that I feel like an old hag..I still have the energy, the enthusiasm that only youth provides. But I also don't have the patience that comes with being older. I don't have the patience to wait for it to pass. I want it to pass and I want it to pass now.

I feel like i'm in a tunnel..I need it to end now. I need to get to the end of it...and no matter when that end comes, it cannot have been soon enough because it hasn't come now.