I don' want to miss a thing
Quite frankly I miss him..with every cell in my being. The days pass in a flurry of activity..but it feels like trying to outrun a train. No matter how hard you run, you know it is never going to be enough. You're never going to outrun the train..but you still try...and try and try still harder.
And even being involved in everything that I do, I feel like an observer of my life..an observer of every minute action. There's a voice inside me that tells me what to do..and i mutely obey. It says "smile" and I give whoever it is in front of me my brightest smile, it says "laugh" and I laugh like I haven't in ages. Like a script I act out all my roles perfectly..the role of a friend, the role of the person who copes so well, the role of the "dude", the role of the tough woman with such alacrity, such ease. I wonder who it is I am tryin to fool...it isn't fooling me anyway. Just when I think I've reached the peak, just when I feel ready to pat myself on the back...I see the onslaught of rage, of helplessness, of despair coming at me like this huge, massive wave. A wave that threatens to pull me down with it..it threatens to wash out all signs of the hard work put in over the last few weeks.
Missing someone is exhausting business...it tires you with all the memories, with all the "I wish"s. It overwhelms you with intensity you never thought capable of possessing. And the worst, the absolutely worst part of it is...all of this happens under the surface.
This kind of missing is like the ocean, not a river. A river is not deceptive, one can see the way the currents flow, one can take a good hard look and decide if it is an angry river or a calm one. Not so with the sea...the sea is always calm, always inviting on the surface..but the deeper you wade in, the more you surrender yourself to it, the more it surprises you, overwhelms you with the strength, the ferocity of the currents underneath...you give in a little, and you might as well be doomed..its a dance..a delicate dance of war with the sea when you swim in it..each fighting the other for control. Ultimately, the sea will win, if you go in too deep, it will engulf if you relax for an instant.
That is how I miss him..not on the surface...not when I scratch the surface..oh no..the signs on the outside are all but gone..the tears, shed endlessly have washed them away..leaving but the faintest of scars. But scratch a little deeper, stop running for sometime to catch my breath..and I can see it..dancing just outside my vision. It tantalises me, tempts me..to just come and run those images through my head..just once...to feel like time has turned back. Just for a moment, to pretend that nothing changed...that life is still a picnic...that I wasn't running at all..I was just out for a stroll that has exhausted me so. But I know...I cannot let my guard down, I cannot risk a break..cannot go back,not for a moment...for a moment's rest will mean going back..going back into my mind which holds too much to bear..I dare not stop running, even though I know I will never outrun the goddamn train.
And even being involved in everything that I do, I feel like an observer of my life..an observer of every minute action. There's a voice inside me that tells me what to do..and i mutely obey. It says "smile" and I give whoever it is in front of me my brightest smile, it says "laugh" and I laugh like I haven't in ages. Like a script I act out all my roles perfectly..the role of a friend, the role of the person who copes so well, the role of the "dude", the role of the tough woman with such alacrity, such ease. I wonder who it is I am tryin to fool...it isn't fooling me anyway. Just when I think I've reached the peak, just when I feel ready to pat myself on the back...I see the onslaught of rage, of helplessness, of despair coming at me like this huge, massive wave. A wave that threatens to pull me down with it..it threatens to wash out all signs of the hard work put in over the last few weeks.
Missing someone is exhausting business...it tires you with all the memories, with all the "I wish"s. It overwhelms you with intensity you never thought capable of possessing. And the worst, the absolutely worst part of it is...all of this happens under the surface.
This kind of missing is like the ocean, not a river. A river is not deceptive, one can see the way the currents flow, one can take a good hard look and decide if it is an angry river or a calm one. Not so with the sea...the sea is always calm, always inviting on the surface..but the deeper you wade in, the more you surrender yourself to it, the more it surprises you, overwhelms you with the strength, the ferocity of the currents underneath...you give in a little, and you might as well be doomed..its a dance..a delicate dance of war with the sea when you swim in it..each fighting the other for control. Ultimately, the sea will win, if you go in too deep, it will engulf if you relax for an instant.
That is how I miss him..not on the surface...not when I scratch the surface..oh no..the signs on the outside are all but gone..the tears, shed endlessly have washed them away..leaving but the faintest of scars. But scratch a little deeper, stop running for sometime to catch my breath..and I can see it..dancing just outside my vision. It tantalises me, tempts me..to just come and run those images through my head..just once...to feel like time has turned back. Just for a moment, to pretend that nothing changed...that life is still a picnic...that I wasn't running at all..I was just out for a stroll that has exhausted me so. But I know...I cannot let my guard down, I cannot risk a break..cannot go back,not for a moment...for a moment's rest will mean going back..going back into my mind which holds too much to bear..I dare not stop running, even though I know I will never outrun the goddamn train.
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