And just when you think you've crossed the bridge

One would think writing on this...ridding myself of all my sad, feeling sorry for myself thoughts should have made me stronger, should have made it easier to handle unsettling news right? Apparently life has decided that "THE BREAKUP" wasn't bad enough. That kind of lesson doesn't cut it when it comes to the delicate relationship that life and I have.

So here I am, feeling sorry for myself again. I knew the good times had to end sometime..butI didn'texpect it to hit me so suddenly, so powerfully. News of someone you've loved with all your heart moving on is always painful. Problem is I had never felt that pain acutely till date. Granted I still don't know he's moved on..I still don't know he walking towards his happily ever after; but the suggestion is still there..and it tears my heart apart..it sears me to the bone. I try to shut those thoughts out...park them in a corner of my mind, to be examined later, to turn them over till they're worn..till I have sucked all the poison out of them..ingested it..so they can then be stored as just nuggets of information..information about people from a past that is intricately linked to mine. But unbidden, these thoughts creep up, jump at me just when I think I have them under control. They don't wait for me to reach out to them in the privacy of my house...they want to be examined and they want to be examined NOW!!!

I always knew...in one sad corner of my heart...and my gut did tell me..(aside: I have to start listening to my gut now, its high time); my gut did tell me that those 4 years would wash away in an instant..that the next woman who came along...she would be the one who ended up sharing his life with him. And I get this feeling that he has found that woman...today of all days, my gut is sending me feelings too strong to ignore. But knowing what I did, I should have been prepared for it...should have been prepared for the fact that moving on will come easier to him than to me.

But I wasn't prepared for this dammit.....not so soon....not when my tears still have not dried completely....not when I still find myself life hadn't moved beyond June.......not when a memory flitting across my mind will pull the ground from beneath my feet. Not when I am still stuck between moving on and living in the past, with the past. And honestly speaking...not when I haven't been able to move on yet...Not just yet....

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