How we broke up and rebuilt our relationship : 7 rules that helped us build a solid marriage
My husband and I have been
married for more than a decade now and have been partners for almost double
that. Today, we have a fairly solid marriage; meaning there are days we
absolutely cannot stand each other but still manage to work like a well-oiled
machine. And there are most of the other days where we know without a doubt
that there is no one else we would rather spend our lives with.
This well-oiled machine did not
spring up overnight though. The drafts were made much before we even got
married. Because much before we actually got married, we broke up. Much like a
phoenix, we rose from the ashes. We crashed and burnt. But, we also rebuilt
something from those ashes. We rebuilt a stronger relationship and ultimately
our marriage.
The history
When the man and I met, we were
young, starry eyed and hopelessly in love. We moved quickly. Within a few
months, we moved into a house and less than a year in, we moved cities so he
could be closer to his family. Not a great fan of long distance relationships,
I, obviously, followed. Halfway across the country, without a job, fueled
purely by the fumes of young love and the absolute faith that things would work
themselves out.
4 years later, not knowing how to
pull out of a situation we had created, we decided to get married and in
typical Indian fashion, got our families involved. Coming from fairly liberal
families, this part went without a hitch. However, in hindsight, the man and I
still had some growing up to do and before long, the pressures of getting
married got to us and in a fit of anger, we called off the wedding.
A year and a half, and half a dozen
coincidences later, we met over coffee. Coffee turned into a knowing that it
never was over. Knowing turned into certainty that we had to see this through
because we hadn’t moved on as much as we thought we had. But, we were weary of
all the pain we had already been through. Thankfully, with the time apart, we
had also grown as individuals and decided to take stock and move forward. Being
professional problem solvers, we put on our work hats to solve this niggling
personal issue that did not seem to leave us alone! The framework and rules we
created then has held us in good stead for storms we had no idea were waiting
in the future.
How we rebuilt our
relationship
1) Take Stock, Learn from the past
As any good
problem solver will tell you, taking stock is an important step in any project.
And we did just that. Creating space for a dedicated problem finding session,
we ensured that while we talked about our problems, we did not let those
feelings spill over and lead to resentment and finger pointing. Taking stock
involved us talking through hurts, talking about actions taken by each other
that made us feel invalidated, like we did not matter. However, drawing from
our professional lives (we are both Six Sigma people), we were able to set clear
boundaries for our conversations without compromising on what we brought to the
table. This helped us go through a structured breakdown of what went wrong earlier
and we were able to focus on a few big issues that we could focus on to help us
be better at our relationship. It helped us learn from our past mistakes and
create a framework, if you could call it, for our relationship to avoid similar
pitfalls in the future.
2) Never stop communicating
One of the big
things that came up from our “Lessons learnt” phase was that we had, in the
past, glossed over issues so that the other person would not feel hurt. This
eventually led to a boiling over of emotions where we each felt like we put up
with more than anyone would and had to step away.
As a couple, we
decided to not make that same mistake again. We made a conscious effort to
never stop communicating, even when things were not working for us. Of course,
that did not mean we shot our mouths off the moment we felt upset.
Communicating means thoughtful engagement. Therefore, instead of screaming “I
can’t do this anymore”, we tried “We need to set some time aside tonight”. Then
we made sure we set that time aside and talked about how we were feeling and
why we were feeling that way. Talking through these feelings allowed us to work
with each other in the spirit of problem solving rather than “you vs me”. More
often than not, once we spoke, the problem itself dissipated. When it did not,
we found ways and solutions to manage it, coming out of the process as a more
cohesive couple.
3) Changed perspective: from compromise to choice
Another big one, that I am sure
a lot of other couples face as well, is the word “Compromise” and the amount of
weight that it carries. He would hold on to all that he had compromised on for
me, as did I, and eventually, it became this massive cloud hanging over our relationship
that eventually burst and cost us our future.
Yes, give and
take forms one of the cornerstones of any partnership. In a marriage, since it takes
up so much of our personal space and hearts, the give and take tends to jar and
pinch more. As a couple, we decided to change our perspective and look at it as
a choice, rather than compromise.
Compromise
itself is a word that conjures up negative feelings. Looking at things differently,
we decided to look at anything that would earlier have been called a
compromise, as a choice between option A and B. Option A being whatever it is
we did not want to compromise on, and Option B being our relationship and therefore
our relative happiness.
For example, when
we came to loggerheads on whether I quit my job and move to another city or
stay back and continue working while we navigated a long-distance marriage,
this change in perspective helped us navigate hundreds of potential arguments
just because we changed our perspective from looking at it as a sacrifice or
compromise. Instead, we looked at it as a choice that we made so that our
marriage didn’t suffer. Of course, there were lists of pros and cons made, there
were long winding discussions (see communication above). But, having that one
word erased in our vocabulary and replacing it with choice has helped us navigate everything from small
arguments to major marital crises.
4) Go all in
By the time we
met for coffee, we had gone on a few dates with other people, tried out
different ways to get over each other and our pasts. Long story short, it had
not helped and just meeting for coffee brought back painful pangs that we had
managed to superficially tide over in the preceding years.
Another learning
from our previous mistakes was that we had each been waiting for the other to
give us a sign that they were all in before we could commit fully. That held us
back from giving the relationship our all. Yes, we enjoyed each other’s company.
Yes, we loved each other. Yes, we did want a future with each other. But, because
we were waiting for the other to make the first move to commitment, we did not jump
in and give it everything we had.
We decided, if
this relationship had to work, we had to dive in and really commit to it. No
half measures, no dilly dallying, no one foot out the door. For this to work,
we had to look at the problem as “what can we do to make this better” not “what
are the things that are deal breakers”. This way, if it did not work, we would also
have no reason to hang around because this time, we knew we really had given it
a shot with everything we had, including changing perspectives. Thankfully,
this paid off and we are still reaping the rewards of going all in!
5) Shut out the noise
A big lesson,
especially in the Indian family context, was about how we, even without trying,
had managed to give weight to everyone and their uncle’s opinions about our
relationship and what we did. This had left us pulling our relationship in
different directions that had ended up tearing its fabric and making it so
threadbare that it finally tore apart.
For our “second
innings” we decided to shut out the noise. If my now husband felt like he
wanted to massage my feet, he would, no matter what our relatives thought of
it. If I wanted to wear tiny shorts and walk around at home, I would, no matter
who had an issue with it. If we wanted to ring in the weekend with cocktails
and snacks, we would, even if it made the older people around us uncomfortable.
These were not actions that either of us had an issue with, but, in the past,
we had resisted because of what the people in our lives would think, or say.
Basically, as
long as we were not hurting anyone, we decided to shut out other people’s
opinions, and be ourselves. This helped us bring our authentic selves to the
table and the reduced pressure of living up to everybody’s expectations
definitely made our lives easier.
6) Prioritise the relationship
We both knew
relationships took work. We had read it in every book and heard it in every
interview about marriage and relationships. What we did not know was that the
work involved treating the relationship as a third party. That is exactly what
we did. There are three entities in this relationship, my husband, me and our
marriage. Doing this has helped us compartmentalise issues and solutions on
whether they serve us as individuals or the marriage. Since we had already
decided that we would go all in and we wanted this marriage (see choice above),
it boiled down to keeping our individual egos aside for the sake of the
marriage.
At times, this
has helped us come up with a new solution that keeps us and the marriage happy.
For example, when cooking became a source of conflict for us, keeping this 3
entity vs 2 approach helped us come up with a solution that has worked for us
all these years. Detailed post coming up soon on our Kitchen wars!
7) Practice Gratitude
Lastly, the
reason we have a framework in the first place is because we never ever want to
lose sight of this rare gift we have been given. Not many people get this
chance to have another go at a relationship that means so much. Even fewer have
a chance to build a solid marriage out of it.
We practice
gratitude as a conscious exercise in our marriage. Gratitude for each other and
gratitude for this marriage and everything that comes with it, even the
conflict. The conflict is what helps us identify the beginnings of cracks and
fix them before they become make or break issues. So yes, gratitude for the
conflict as well.
Practicing
gratitude is also a conscious exercise. It takes effort to acknowledge that the
man made the bed. Yes, it is something that is not gendered. Yes, it is
something that he should be doing anyway. But, that does not mean I do not
appreciate it when he does. So I let him know that I noticed that he did it and
I appreciate it. That fuels more acts of kindness and thoughtfulness around the
house. Far more than nagging and complaining about the things he did not do
would.
Similarly,
when he notices I have had a long day running after the kids, he orders dinner
in and asks me to take a break. He appreciates the hard work I put in all day
while he was putting in a different kind of effort at office. He sees and
acknowledges the effort I put in at home. That makes me want to give him a
little more slack on a bad day than hold him up to ideals that may not work for
our marriage.
Re-entering
a broken space
Giving
relationships another chance, especially ones that have seen a lot of conflict
is not a popularly recommended choice; and for good reason at that. However, in
rare cases, like our, re-entering a broken relationship makes sense provided
one is determined to make it work.
These
principles have helped us move from partners to spouses and carried us through
conflicts, big and small that come with the territory. It has helped us weather
storms that could have broken many marriages, that came close to breaking ours
too. Thanks to our “big breakup” and subsequent thought put into re-entering the
relationship, we stand here, knowing there a lot that could break this ship we’ve
built, but also, we have an array of tools at our disposal to stop that from happening.
I encourage you to try these rules, consciously putting a framework in place
for your relationship. Do write in if it worked for you or you have other
inputs for us, I would love to add more tools to our arsenal!
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