Papoosh etc - Marriage, Motherhood, Mayhem and Musings!

Having written about my sister and my dad, my mom felt more than a little left out..and I kept getting asked why I hadn't written about her. And I did tell her I would..but somehow I have never been able to put those words to paper. And it is a question I have not been able to answer as well. I talk about her to anyone who will listen(it doesn't really have to be willing listener :-)). I am so much in awe of her, she amazes us..all of us every single day with her laughter, her resilience, her understanding, her wit, her sheer brilliance. Our family is unique because of what she brings to it. In spite of that, I find it difficult to write about her, to express my love and gratitude to her, and that is something I battle with every single day. She is the one person I have fought with the most all my life. Even if I discount all my fights that happened when I was back home, even if I attribute all those to childish outbursts, to tantrums of a child who knew no better, not a woman,...

So...I had to get here quickly before the good mood fades and melancholy sets in again. Over the past few weeks, I have realised it is a damn sight easier to write when one is down in the dumps. There is something cleansing about writing when gloom threatens to drown you in it. But when you're not that sad...that is when it sucks the bejesus out of you ..this putting words to paper..or blog screen in my case :). At least, that is how it is for me. And why am I so happy you may ask. Even if you don't, I will answer. Nothing particular, probably the fact that I woke up after a good 8 hours of shut eye. Or maybe the letting off of steam at the boss, or my biorhythm cycles are just at their best ;) The fact remains I feel good today, good about myself, good about the world in general and I wanted to put that here. To record this rare event in recent history :) In other news..(No..hold that relief in, all news on this blog centres around ME)..that's right..not world news, in oth...

The rain outside made everything look polished and new, at the same time casting a comfortable gloom on the general atmosphere. She sits there, pretending to read. In reality she keeps looking at her watch or the door, or settling her hair. How she manages to turn a single page at all is a mystery. The fidgeting, the glances cast at the door; clearly she was here waiting for someone, and she was nervous as hell about it. He walks in and her face changes, it's calmer and more tense at the same time. That is who she's been waiting for. They exchange pleasantries. The conversation is strained. Strained the way it is when two people who least want to run into each other are forced to be pleasant. To pretend to slip into the roles of people who share an easy camaraderie, or at least congeniality. He walks out again, she's trying hard to hold in the tears that are fighting their way out her eyes. Trying hard to keep them in, to not create the added drama that people look for. Try...

I've always been a very "black and white" person. Precisely because of that, very early on I started looking for the good in everyone. I usually tend to like or dislike people instantly, and whenever I disliked someone, I would always try hard, really hard to find the saving grace in them..to find that one thing that was good about them, that would redeem them from being bad people in my book. That of course was for a very selfish reason. I don't like knowing bad people..and I would go to great lengths to find that one good thing about someone so I can say they're not that bad...this is nice about them. Initially it was by force of will, but over time its become ingrained into the person I am..it happens without any effort, almost subconciously. For the first time in my life I wish I hadn't done that, hadn't tried to find the good in everything, everyone. It makes getting over him awfully hard...awfully difficult. It would be so easy to be angry...to dism...

Quite frankly I miss him..with every cell in my being. The days pass in a flurry of activity..but it feels like trying to outrun a train. No matter how hard you run, you know it is never going to be enough. You're never going to outrun the train..but you still try...and try and try still harder. And even being involved in everything that I do, I feel like an observer of my life..an observer of every minute action. There's a voice inside me that tells me what to do..and i mutely obey. It says "smile" and I give whoever it is in front of me my brightest smile, it says "laugh" and I laugh like I haven't in ages. Like a script I act out all my roles perfectly..the role of a friend, the role of the person who copes so well, the role of the "dude", the role of the tough woman with such alacrity, such ease. I wonder who it is I am tryin to fool...it isn't fooling me anyway. Just when I think I've reached the peak, just when I feel ready to pa...

The initial numbness..masked by excessive chirpiness, nonchalance, the "its all for the best" attitude wears off pretty quickly. What it leaves behind is a constant state of painful waiting. Waiting for things to go back to "normal". Except that you don't even know what normal is anymore. If time were turned back..would it be normal? Would it be normal if it fast forwarded a few years? So many questions...the answers to which lie in a pandora's box. Torture to not know...will bring on worse if you do. For some, 4 years is just that..4 years. For some.like me, it is a lifetime, it is your entire life. The end, is like an end of an era. Two people set off on a journey..a journey that led to the discovery of me..the person that I am...or that i have become. When the journey and the person become so intrinsically entwined, letting go is a tedious task. It involves sitting and untangling threads that have been woven into a pattern..and pulling apart anything...

The past few days, it seems like the universe is sending me a message...and I keep thinking what I'm supposed to do with it coz frankly I have absolutely no idea :) Almost everyone I've spoken to, or have read online, has been talking about how the idea of branching out on their own, starting something of their own appeals to them. How the corporate lifestyle is just a compromise, just something to build on, all the while looking out for the moment they could leave all that behnd and start working on something that they want to do..and that something most often is a business they want to start. I don't get that. I don't get the motivation behind it. I have always been comfortable working for an organisation. I have never ever wanted to start something of my own. If I think about it really hard....the most that I do see myself doing is stop working someday...quit and then not work for a living. The idea of starting an entrepreneurship, of building something from scratch ...

Ever since I can remember, he's been my partner in most crimes, whether its sneaking off for a movie, or buying me stick ice cream when I had strict orders from mummy to not touch them with a bargepole. Been the strongest advocate at times I needed it the most, from permission to go to movies with friends, to staying out late at parties, to going ahead with my board exams even though I was 2 years ahead. A rock like support I know I can depend on at all times. And an indulgent father I know I can get my way with most of the time. If I had to name the one person who has pampered me the most, it would undoubtedly be my father. Through the years, my relationship with my father has gone through multiple changes, the bond keeps getting stronger, but the different shades of the equation that I have found with him have at times amazed me, at others overwhelmed and at yet others left a warm feeling in my heart that keeps me going no matter what. The past few weeks have brought on very ver...