Papoosh etc - Marriage, Motherhood, Mayhem and Musings!

After all those weeks of thrashing and twitching like a fish out of water, life has finally come to resemble some sort of placid rhythm. No it's not all hunky dory, but neither am I overcome by a desire to break down into a huge lump of despair. But it has been more good than bad..this almost last one month. I have had bouts of squealing, stomach hurting laughter. Bouts that have lasted for a whole day. Bouts that have left me doubling over even when the memory of a joke flits across someone's face. This reaquaintance with unadulterated laughter, pure joy, has been refreshing. It feels like finding an oasis..and not just any oasis, it is one with fresh, sweet, cold water. Water that rejuvenates you with just one gulp, but leaves you wanting more, that makes you go that extra mile just so you could find one more gulp. I have found happiness in my family, catching up not just perfunctorily, but having long, fun filled conversations. Cracking silly jokes on STD. I have found fulf...

Having written about my sister and my dad, my mom felt more than a little left out..and I kept getting asked why I hadn't written about her. And I did tell her I would..but somehow I have never been able to put those words to paper. And it is a question I have not been able to answer as well. I talk about her to anyone who will listen(it doesn't really have to be willing listener :-)). I am so much in awe of her, she amazes us..all of us every single day with her laughter, her resilience, her understanding, her wit, her sheer brilliance. Our family is unique because of what she brings to it. In spite of that, I find it difficult to write about her, to express my love and gratitude to her, and that is something I battle with every single day. She is the one person I have fought with the most all my life. Even if I discount all my fights that happened when I was back home, even if I attribute all those to childish outbursts, to tantrums of a child who knew no better, not a woman,...

So...I had to get here quickly before the good mood fades and melancholy sets in again. Over the past few weeks, I have realised it is a damn sight easier to write when one is down in the dumps. There is something cleansing about writing when gloom threatens to drown you in it. But when you're not that sad...that is when it sucks the bejesus out of you ..this putting words to paper..or blog screen in my case :). At least, that is how it is for me. And why am I so happy you may ask. Even if you don't, I will answer. Nothing particular, probably the fact that I woke up after a good 8 hours of shut eye. Or maybe the letting off of steam at the boss, or my biorhythm cycles are just at their best ;) The fact remains I feel good today, good about myself, good about the world in general and I wanted to put that here. To record this rare event in recent history :) In other news..(No..hold that relief in, all news on this blog centres around ME)..that's right..not world news, in oth...

The rain outside made everything look polished and new, at the same time casting a comfortable gloom on the general atmosphere. She sits there, pretending to read. In reality she keeps looking at her watch or the door, or settling her hair. How she manages to turn a single page at all is a mystery. The fidgeting, the glances cast at the door; clearly she was here waiting for someone, and she was nervous as hell about it. He walks in and her face changes, it's calmer and more tense at the same time. That is who she's been waiting for. They exchange pleasantries. The conversation is strained. Strained the way it is when two people who least want to run into each other are forced to be pleasant. To pretend to slip into the roles of people who share an easy camaraderie, or at least congeniality. He walks out again, she's trying hard to hold in the tears that are fighting their way out her eyes. Trying hard to keep them in, to not create the added drama that people look for. Try...

I've always been a very "black and white" person. Precisely because of that, very early on I started looking for the good in everyone. I usually tend to like or dislike people instantly, and whenever I disliked someone, I would always try hard, really hard to find the saving grace in them..to find that one thing that was good about them, that would redeem them from being bad people in my book. That of course was for a very selfish reason. I don't like knowing bad people..and I would go to great lengths to find that one good thing about someone so I can say they're not that bad...this is nice about them. Initially it was by force of will, but over time its become ingrained into the person I am..it happens without any effort, almost subconciously. For the first time in my life I wish I hadn't done that, hadn't tried to find the good in everything, everyone. It makes getting over him awfully hard...awfully difficult. It would be so easy to be angry...to dism...

Quite frankly I miss him..with every cell in my being. The days pass in a flurry of activity..but it feels like trying to outrun a train. No matter how hard you run, you know it is never going to be enough. You're never going to outrun the train..but you still try...and try and try still harder. And even being involved in everything that I do, I feel like an observer of my life..an observer of every minute action. There's a voice inside me that tells me what to do..and i mutely obey. It says "smile" and I give whoever it is in front of me my brightest smile, it says "laugh" and I laugh like I haven't in ages. Like a script I act out all my roles perfectly..the role of a friend, the role of the person who copes so well, the role of the "dude", the role of the tough woman with such alacrity, such ease. I wonder who it is I am tryin to fool...it isn't fooling me anyway. Just when I think I've reached the peak, just when I feel ready to pa...

The initial numbness..masked by excessive chirpiness, nonchalance, the "its all for the best" attitude wears off pretty quickly. What it leaves behind is a constant state of painful waiting. Waiting for things to go back to "normal". Except that you don't even know what normal is anymore. If time were turned back..would it be normal? Would it be normal if it fast forwarded a few years? So many questions...the answers to which lie in a pandora's box. Torture to not know...will bring on worse if you do. For some, 4 years is just that..4 years. For some.like me, it is a lifetime, it is your entire life. The end, is like an end of an era. Two people set off on a journey..a journey that led to the discovery of me..the person that I am...or that i have become. When the journey and the person become so intrinsically entwined, letting go is a tedious task. It involves sitting and untangling threads that have been woven into a pattern..and pulling apart anything...

The past few days, it seems like the universe is sending me a message...and I keep thinking what I'm supposed to do with it coz frankly I have absolutely no idea :) Almost everyone I've spoken to, or have read online, has been talking about how the idea of branching out on their own, starting something of their own appeals to them. How the corporate lifestyle is just a compromise, just something to build on, all the while looking out for the moment they could leave all that behnd and start working on something that they want to do..and that something most often is a business they want to start. I don't get that. I don't get the motivation behind it. I have always been comfortable working for an organisation. I have never ever wanted to start something of my own. If I think about it really hard....the most that I do see myself doing is stop working someday...quit and then not work for a living. The idea of starting an entrepreneurship, of building something from scratch ...

Ever since I can remember, he's been my partner in most crimes, whether its sneaking off for a movie, or buying me stick ice cream when I had strict orders from mummy to not touch them with a bargepole. Been the strongest advocate at times I needed it the most, from permission to go to movies with friends, to staying out late at parties, to going ahead with my board exams even though I was 2 years ahead. A rock like support I know I can depend on at all times. And an indulgent father I know I can get my way with most of the time. If I had to name the one person who has pampered me the most, it would undoubtedly be my father. Through the years, my relationship with my father has gone through multiple changes, the bond keeps getting stronger, but the different shades of the equation that I have found with him have at times amazed me, at others overwhelmed and at yet others left a warm feeling in my heart that keeps me going no matter what. The past few weeks have brought on very ver...

So...I trolled the internet to look up some cool stuff. Cool stuff be damned, its the age of weirdness. Check out the stuff available out there :) My faves: 1) The musical condoms : Now who would NOT like some music to go with the loving huh..huh??? 2) Spray-On Condoms : Yeah, why wait and put them on, when you can enjoy the spray!!! I know I know..not too great with this kinda stuff. 3) The USB vibrator : You can tell what my fave activity is can't you. See. .work and pleasure can go together ;-) Now to the not so sexual weirdness - 4) This one is so amazing, it will blow you away..no seriously. I mean, it combines the pot and the news and your weight. Could anything get better than that. I present the RSStroom Reader . Ok people..weirdness for the day is done :) Now go forth and laugh your guts out. Uhm..or be fascinated..whatever!!!

So...the moping is done with. After the uncomfortable questions needing some answering and concerned messages/calls, for all of the 4 people who read this..I am alright, completely fine. This is venting ground, so I can go back to being the sweet person I am when you talk to me. This is my pensieve, pulling out the dark threads, so I'm all happy happy when I talk to you, the people I love. For some strange reason though, I put my fingers to the keyboard, and no happy words come. I think my fingers are so used to typing in morose stuff, they almost feel the need to revolt when the brain sends happy messages their way :). So.. Fingers..pls behave. I am going to make a conscious effort to do away with the blues and write nice, happy, unmorose stuff for sometime. Until the urge to vent hits me again that is :).

Which is the greater evil? To love and not be loved in return...or to be loved back, but not be allowed to love? Having been on both sides, I can speak for myself..and it is a far far far more painful experience to love a person who is immensely in love with you, but just does not allow you to love them back than to be a person who's love is unrequited. It is possible to move on from a place where nothing even begun...you love someone, they don't love you back..you reel under the knowledge that what you thought you could share with them will never be, learn to accept it and move on. Sooner or later, someone else will come along who will let you forget..and help you cover the half baked foundation and build a new set of dreams...you learn to live, and eventually you find contentment as well. When you are not allowed to love in return though, it is a much tougher struggle..two people reach out...realise that the connection between them runs so deep that it cannot be ignored..and ...

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I itch to write...atleast once a day i peep in here..look around a bit, start stringing words together...and then poof...the thoughts, the so eloquently composed sentences, stories..they all vanish. All that's left behind is the throbbing, the desire, its like a hunger..i just have nothing to feed it..to satiate my own need to write, to let it flow..out from my head onto the screen. My mind is a mystery that is so locked to me, that it is a wonder others can fathom even a little of it...there's too much going on in too many places . Assimilating all those random thoughts, putting them in one place is such an exhausting effort that the process of then verbalising those thoughts in any way whatsoever seems too daunting a prospect to even pursue. But sometimes, rarer now than before, but there are times like those nevertheless...sometimes, however daunting the thought of putting words to feelings, the need overpowers, I have no option but to surrender and let my fingers do their j...

I've always been a voracious reader, picking up any book that comes my way. I refuse to put a book down good or bad until I read the last page. Due to the amount of torture I put myself through because of the self imposed rule, I try to be very choosy about the books I read. Most books slip out of my conciousness once I finish reading them, leaving me with a sense of satisfaction of not having given up even when the reading became a task rather than pleasure. Some books, however, leave me wondering at how beautifully they were written, how seamlessly the story moves and when I finish reading these books, I know that I will be reading them again and again...and again. One of the first books that made me aware of this is 'IT' by Stephen King. Oh all the standard Stephen King fare is dished out. The horrifyingly evil presence, the gruesome details of the sights and smells of death, all that sets the pulse racing, all that King is known and admired for; but in this novel, the w...

I tend to tire of things after a period..thankfully..the trait does not extend to people..or so i like to think :) I think i tired of the blog too..the colours..the theme just didn't do it for me... The change now is in keeping with the theme in my life currently...underwater..the sea.. There is something about the sea that has always tugged at my soul. Never have I felt as much at peace with myself, as much in awe of nature, as much in love with the world as when I am near the sea...Never has anything in nature given me so much insight into myself....not with anything else can I identify as closely as I can with the sea The pull of a calm sea is enchanting, as it invites you into its open arms..to partake of the beauty it offers, of the tranquility it lends to everything around and within you. You wade in a little, and are delighted with the soft kisses, the way the waters tease you, not knowing when it will decide to give into your yearning, let you have a taste of its cool...

The desire to write flows in me like the blood through my veins...just like blood stays inside...so unfortunately does the desire ;) However, i do not want to lose the small spark of talent (if i say so myself) i posess to be able to put my thoughts..my feelings into words..and i try and try and try to come up with words..with thoughts that sound interesting even when they are not just in my head anymore. For added inspiration, i go and read hajaar blogs, not for material, but more for style..and by the end of my research..i am so exhausted..that I end up just shutting down and leaving. At other times, the beauty, the eloquence, the crispness, the humor in the writings that I read put me in no mood to present my less than mediocre attempts at creativity up for public consumption..and then the "evil me" takes over :))) I seem to be at my most creative when work is not only not sucking the life out of me, in a rare display of mercy, it eludes me completely. So I end up...

The dust is clearing, cobwebs being removed from old forgotten corners of my mind. As the light seeps in one ray at a time, the dust floats around, creating brilliant imagery..as the tiny particles play hide and seek with the light...illuminating new angles..never noticed earlier... New beginnings mean so much more than just starting anew, than just covering the old and pushing it to a corner easy to forget... The truly new beginning starts only when the old corners have been dusted, when all memories have been examined from every possible angle, when every perceivable fleck of dust has been carefully removed, when the heart has been polished to shine like new..when it is like a new bride..expectant..full of hope..full of thrilling possibilities for the future, full of dreams to look forward to. I just had to get myself to that place..where old hurts were healed, where all the anger had melted, where the blame game held no more vindication. And you walked in, enveloped in the glow tha...

Life takes turns so different from what we expect it to that now dreaming, planning for a tomorrow seems futile. When one painstakingly builds a palace, carefully placing one block on another...each moment, each incident laminated with the finest anti ageing film that one can find in their minds..just seeing all of it crumble takes away any desire to rebuild..to crumble proof again. In spite of that, we miss the changes that we go through as people in the everyday melee that we call living a life.....in spite of the weight that settles on our shoulders as each day goes by, as our dreams sink more and more into nothingness, we fail to notice how much we stoop, how much more we stagger under that deadweight daily. I've never been much of a chronicler. I could recount incidents from memory..but have no account as such of the 24 years of my life..not in any amount of detail. Even then, this blog in some ways points to the change that has crept in slowly over the last two years. It show...

I feel strangely distended. Like I know all that is happening, and it is happening to me, but is not at the same time. It's like watching a movie, except it is my life!!!