Papoosh etc - Marriage, Motherhood, Mayhem and Musings!

So I guess this is what they call drunken blogging!!! ;-) Midnight here and I'm still recovering from the after effects of a job well done. The new job has given me way more avenues to prove how I am god's goft to the corporate world (??? ;-)) than I could have asked for. I've always thought corporate training was the way to go for me..and today, post my first ever formal training session, I am convinced that this is the way to go for me. I guess I knew deep down that nothing would give me as great a high as being able to connect with an audience, being able to impart knowledge from my post high up above, to be able to drop those pearls of wisdom to people eager to lap them up..but I never knew how good it would feel, how much I would feel at home standing in front of people expecting me to be taking them through the intricacies of a world that was new to them, to be able to guide them through those concepts that they had only heard of!!! I conducted my first ever formal t...

At the risk of sounding oh so boringly repetitive..I know I've been away for sometime..and yes there has been a lot that's been taking up my time..no excuse for not penning a few lines here though :( I guess it's about time I changed the city on my profile as well. The move to Hyd. was pretty uneventful..so was the move into the new house. After years of making one bedroom pigeonholes serve as well as they could as homes, I finally have managed to move into the 2 bedroom category..and thankfully a nice two bedroom house at that. A new house always means lots more work, a whole round of setting up home, a whole new system to keeping things, finding place for random stuff and there's been quite a bit of that. Fortunately, this house has enough cupboards to hide my hideous mess in...on the outside it all looks spic and span. This house mirrors my story ;-) That apart, the city has been refreshing in the quality of roads and infrastructure, but oh such a pain when it comes ...

Helloooo ppl!!! Oh you sneaky ones...here I thought I had no readers apart from family..and you go and give me li'l surprises like these :). So I've discovered I have readers!!! And more than 2!!! Aaah well..about time might I add! The last weekend has brought back into focus why I feel this need to share so much. There's just so much that's been happening lately, this is the only way to make sense of it. Yes, I do realise its effect on the sanity of general public, but what's a few lives coping with information overload when it'sa question of my sanity I say :) A new job again, but this time in a new city. A new laptop, of my own :D No cheap office systems for me anymore. Ha! More Money. Higher up the corporate ladder. General drunkenness after ages :)) With so much going on, am sure you'll forgive me for not being as good with the words right now no? Not really do I hear? Well..Ha! to you too. Uhm...you readers? Please stay? I'll speak to Suha and make...

I've just started reading "My sister's keeper" By Jodi Picoult. It's a book I'd been meaning to get my hands on for ages. In my search for this one, I managed to find another one, "Perfect Match", which was a book that I must write about, another time..different take aways there. Anyway, "My sister's keeper"; I knew this was going to be a difficult book to read. With no sides that could be taken, a story with questions that might be too difficult to even confront, let alone answer. I hadn't bargained on it being this hard hitting though. I am barely 50 pages through, and already, I need a break. This hasn't happened to me with any book. EVER. There's no gore, no blood, no traumatic scenes written in heartbreaking detail. But the characters, their emotions, they're so raw, so real. It's like watching the story of someone's life unravel, completely unmasked, open to everyone's scrutiny. Already, my mind is spin...

If someone asked me to describe the year gone by in one word, I would probably die trying. Describing anything in one word, as you would have guessed by now, isn't really my forte :)..but even then, this one would have left me completely stumped. 2007...it was a year of new beginnings, it brought with it a completely different world, promises of a tomorrow that I had been dreaming of for a long long time. It came, arms laden with extended family for me, it came laden with lessons to be learnt, it came disguised in sweetness I thought would be enough to carry me through another year. It is a year I wish I could go back and freeze in March, it is a year I wish I could erase July,August and September from. It is a year where the first half went by in a rush, where the second seems to drag on and on and on. It has been the year of breaking old moulds. It has been a year of reaching out, a year of being overwhelmed by the love I am surrounded by..the love of friends, the love of family....

As I'm sitting here contemplating on the state of affairs (literally) in my life, soft, pleasing to the ear music in the background, I find myself typing..letting thoughts flow freely. There's just been way too much that has happened over the past week for me to ingest, for my recently uneventful life to handle. How does one know that they've moved on? Does it mean to be able to look a once loved deeply person in the eye and not feel even a momentary pang of longing? Does it mean to be able to spend time with them and not think of how intimately one has known every part of them, every gesture of theirs, every tone of their voice? Or does it mean assimilating all of this and more, making all this , all of them a part of who we become, carrying remnants of them with us for the rest of our lives? How often does a Ross and Rachel kind of situation happen? Is it possible to just know...just because..that you're never going to be over...that whatever comes along in life is on...

Hi...you're still here? Wow....and here I thought you must have been sighing in relief, thanking the one above for finally answering your prayers, rejoicing in my "hopefully for good" disappearance. No? You really missed me? No wonder there was this weird feeling in and around my heart..it could have been an overdose of beans as well..but..why ruin it? I think it was all your fervent wishes for me to come back and enlighten your lives with the latest in mine..no? I thought as much :) Anyway, life has been quite the rollercoaster. So close to the end of the year, my system was becoming a little restless..what with no annual vacation on the horizon. Annual vacation here means my annual quota of hospitalisation. For some reason, when the story of my life was written, it was decided that I would never ever fall seriously ill, never suffer from any major life threatening kind of sickness. But, at the same time, it was an absolute necessity that I fall sick regularly, with stup...

Just a friend: You: "My counselor told me I'm any counselor's dream come true. I really handled that situation well. Which is good for me right?" JAF: "Hmmn..true. Good ya..am so happy for you" ******************************** True Friend: You: "My counselor told me I'm any counselor's dream come true....." TF: "Har de har har har...snigger snigger" You: "hmmph" Like I firmly believe, with friends like I have, I really need enemies. Someone needs to love me right? right ?.. hello ?

My life has been the kind of stuff movies are made of..the adrenaline boosting, leaving you with a "WOW" feeling kind of ride this weekend. The good, the bad, the weepy, the funny; all packed into two days. It's quite exhausting may I add. As you can tell from my previous post, Saturday didn't exactly start with tides of cheer and goodwill..but it picked up post that nevertheless. So, there I was feeling sorry for myself, unloved and ridiculously weepy when an old friend (SK) from school called to find out what decadent activity I had planned for the weekend. The surprise..no, shock..no..downright disbelief..yes, thats it..the downright disbelief in his voice was quite palpable. Anyway, once I had convinced him that seriously..really..honest to godly..I had a chaste weekend ahead of me, he decided to go right ahead and tempt me with visions of a land where the liquor flows freely, the cigarettes never stop lighting up and the music is always loud. And I am weak...I ha...

One would think writing on this...ridding myself of all my sad, feeling sorry for myself thoughts should have made me stronger, should have made it easier to handle unsettling news right? Apparently life has decided that "THE BREAKUP" wasn't bad enough. That kind of lesson doesn't cut it when it comes to the delicate relationship that life and I have. So here I am, feeling sorry for myself again. I knew the good times had to end sometime..butI didn'texpect it to hit me so suddenly, so powerfully. News of someone you've loved with all your heart moving on is always painful. Problem is I had never felt that pain acutely till date. Granted I still don't know he's moved on..I still don't know he walking towards his happily ever after; but the suggestion is still there..and it tears my heart apart..it sears me to the bone. I try to shut those thoughts out...park them in a corner of my mind, to be examined later, to turn them over till they're worn....

I should have known today would be the sort of disastrous day one only gets nightmares about when my gut told me sitting in office and listening to sad breakup songs was a better option than heading home. Unfortunately, me and my gut have a slight standoff going on. My gut doesn't listen to me, and I don't listen to it. Anyway...sometime around 3 in the morning, I finally decided to head home....the brave lady on my scooter..I can kick ass. My friends (and my gut..it insists I mention it), told me it was a bad idea..too cold, too little protection..one mirror broken, and one that is squint eyed..overall..not one of those nice...hop on for a ride...hum a nice tune kind of situation. By the time I had covered the 1.5 km stretch home, I had managed to hoodwink evil death (ok..exageggerating there..a wee bit, but its my blog dammmit)..well if you insist, I managed to avoid two large..really large hazardous potholes..and one crazy cab. Also, the distinct creaking sound that I though...

Year ends always make me nostalgic. Well, one could argue it isn't technically the end of the year yet, but come Q4 and it might as well be the end of the year for me. As if there aren't enough complications in my life, my mind has decided to reminisce on two levels as well. There's a part of it that is more rooted in the present (meaning the weekend that just passed); the other has decided this is the right time for a walk down memory lane, pulling out random images from the journey that has been my life. Like I have said before, I don't profess to have much to do with my mind and its whims. It has a will of its own..and I more often than not indulge it. The weekend brought a close close friend to the city. Someone I have a lot to be thankful to. It wouldn't be stretching it too far if I said the life, the people I have in my life, the person I am today, post V is in a large part thanks to him. And it was fun. More fun than I have had in a long time. Juvenile joke...

After all those weeks of thrashing and twitching like a fish out of water, life has finally come to resemble some sort of placid rhythm. No it's not all hunky dory, but neither am I overcome by a desire to break down into a huge lump of despair. But it has been more good than bad..this almost last one month. I have had bouts of squealing, stomach hurting laughter. Bouts that have lasted for a whole day. Bouts that have left me doubling over even when the memory of a joke flits across someone's face. This reaquaintance with unadulterated laughter, pure joy, has been refreshing. It feels like finding an oasis..and not just any oasis, it is one with fresh, sweet, cold water. Water that rejuvenates you with just one gulp, but leaves you wanting more, that makes you go that extra mile just so you could find one more gulp. I have found happiness in my family, catching up not just perfunctorily, but having long, fun filled conversations. Cracking silly jokes on STD. I have found fulf...

Having written about my sister and my dad, my mom felt more than a little left out..and I kept getting asked why I hadn't written about her. And I did tell her I would..but somehow I have never been able to put those words to paper. And it is a question I have not been able to answer as well. I talk about her to anyone who will listen(it doesn't really have to be willing listener :-)). I am so much in awe of her, she amazes us..all of us every single day with her laughter, her resilience, her understanding, her wit, her sheer brilliance. Our family is unique because of what she brings to it. In spite of that, I find it difficult to write about her, to express my love and gratitude to her, and that is something I battle with every single day. She is the one person I have fought with the most all my life. Even if I discount all my fights that happened when I was back home, even if I attribute all those to childish outbursts, to tantrums of a child who knew no better, not a woman,...

So...I had to get here quickly before the good mood fades and melancholy sets in again. Over the past few weeks, I have realised it is a damn sight easier to write when one is down in the dumps. There is something cleansing about writing when gloom threatens to drown you in it. But when you're not that sad...that is when it sucks the bejesus out of you ..this putting words to paper..or blog screen in my case :). At least, that is how it is for me. And why am I so happy you may ask. Even if you don't, I will answer. Nothing particular, probably the fact that I woke up after a good 8 hours of shut eye. Or maybe the letting off of steam at the boss, or my biorhythm cycles are just at their best ;) The fact remains I feel good today, good about myself, good about the world in general and I wanted to put that here. To record this rare event in recent history :) In other news..(No..hold that relief in, all news on this blog centres around ME)..that's right..not world news, in oth...

The rain outside made everything look polished and new, at the same time casting a comfortable gloom on the general atmosphere. She sits there, pretending to read. In reality she keeps looking at her watch or the door, or settling her hair. How she manages to turn a single page at all is a mystery. The fidgeting, the glances cast at the door; clearly she was here waiting for someone, and she was nervous as hell about it. He walks in and her face changes, it's calmer and more tense at the same time. That is who she's been waiting for. They exchange pleasantries. The conversation is strained. Strained the way it is when two people who least want to run into each other are forced to be pleasant. To pretend to slip into the roles of people who share an easy camaraderie, or at least congeniality. He walks out again, she's trying hard to hold in the tears that are fighting their way out her eyes. Trying hard to keep them in, to not create the added drama that people look for. Try...

I've always been a very "black and white" person. Precisely because of that, very early on I started looking for the good in everyone. I usually tend to like or dislike people instantly, and whenever I disliked someone, I would always try hard, really hard to find the saving grace in them..to find that one thing that was good about them, that would redeem them from being bad people in my book. That of course was for a very selfish reason. I don't like knowing bad people..and I would go to great lengths to find that one good thing about someone so I can say they're not that bad...this is nice about them. Initially it was by force of will, but over time its become ingrained into the person I am..it happens without any effort, almost subconciously. For the first time in my life I wish I hadn't done that, hadn't tried to find the good in everything, everyone. It makes getting over him awfully hard...awfully difficult. It would be so easy to be angry...to dism...

Quite frankly I miss him..with every cell in my being. The days pass in a flurry of activity..but it feels like trying to outrun a train. No matter how hard you run, you know it is never going to be enough. You're never going to outrun the train..but you still try...and try and try still harder. And even being involved in everything that I do, I feel like an observer of my life..an observer of every minute action. There's a voice inside me that tells me what to do..and i mutely obey. It says "smile" and I give whoever it is in front of me my brightest smile, it says "laugh" and I laugh like I haven't in ages. Like a script I act out all my roles perfectly..the role of a friend, the role of the person who copes so well, the role of the "dude", the role of the tough woman with such alacrity, such ease. I wonder who it is I am tryin to fool...it isn't fooling me anyway. Just when I think I've reached the peak, just when I feel ready to pa...

The initial numbness..masked by excessive chirpiness, nonchalance, the "its all for the best" attitude wears off pretty quickly. What it leaves behind is a constant state of painful waiting. Waiting for things to go back to "normal". Except that you don't even know what normal is anymore. If time were turned back..would it be normal? Would it be normal if it fast forwarded a few years? So many questions...the answers to which lie in a pandora's box. Torture to not know...will bring on worse if you do. For some, 4 years is just that..4 years. For some.like me, it is a lifetime, it is your entire life. The end, is like an end of an era. Two people set off on a journey..a journey that led to the discovery of me..the person that I am...or that i have become. When the journey and the person become so intrinsically entwined, letting go is a tedious task. It involves sitting and untangling threads that have been woven into a pattern..and pulling apart anything...

The past few days, it seems like the universe is sending me a message...and I keep thinking what I'm supposed to do with it coz frankly I have absolutely no idea :) Almost everyone I've spoken to, or have read online, has been talking about how the idea of branching out on their own, starting something of their own appeals to them. How the corporate lifestyle is just a compromise, just something to build on, all the while looking out for the moment they could leave all that behnd and start working on something that they want to do..and that something most often is a business they want to start. I don't get that. I don't get the motivation behind it. I have always been comfortable working for an organisation. I have never ever wanted to start something of my own. If I think about it really hard....the most that I do see myself doing is stop working someday...quit and then not work for a living. The idea of starting an entrepreneurship, of building something from scratch ...